The Top 5 - Worst Movies of All Time

The Top 5 Worst Movies of All Time

Loser (2000) Amy Heckerling


Let me take you on a journey, back to a simpler time... to the year 2000. We had survived the Millennium bug and Blockbuster video was still riding high as the big global player in movies/rentals and games with no end in sight. I was a fresh faced, wide eyed 18 year old plain margarita pizza type of kid, I was happy.

And then BAM!

The biggest teen comedy in years hit the cinema/multiplexes, American Pie.

Oh how we laughed, chanted MILF endlessly and started numerous sentences with the immortal words, "this one time at Band Camp". SO when both Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari were billed on big colour posters at Blockbuster's windows claiming a new comedy Loser I didn't even need to read the back of the box. Take my £1.99 good Sir and be quick about it!

The next two weeks of my life took a considerable downward spiral from this moment onwards however. The fun died that day the VCR whirred those 98 mins of running time into my living room.

A comedy with no jokes, no banter, no irony, no falling down, nothing, just awful, awful sadness filling a screen.

This was to be the warning sign of Jason Biggs' career that he is in fact not funny at all and had just fallen into a hilarious movie once... This still remains true today.

To add insult to injury I forgot to return the cassette back on time, got my brother to return it and thought nothing of it. Until that is I received a phone call from Blockbuster to remind me that Loser had still not been returned some two weeks later. It then emerged that we had returned the video to Blockbusters arch nemesis, Universal Video by mistake and they claimed that no such mistake had been made, no accidental video return through their collection drop box... £50 fine to Blockbuster and a torn up membership card with the promise to never speak of this again. Something my brother and I have kept to until this day where I feel it is finally time to exorcise the demon. Shame on you Director, Amy Heckerling, shame on you.

Taken 3 (2014) Olivier Megaton


This took the title to its most literal sense and way further than its two predecessors. The original Taken for the record was amazing let's be clear but every single person that went to the cinema for this piece of garbage got Taken for the biggest ride of their lives! If you watched this on DVD or TV then you only had your self to blame after the avalanche of negativity that followed its release. How Liam Neeson did all those interviews with a straight face saying that he wouldn't have agreed to do the movie if he didn't think it was any good, I'll never know. My response to ever watching him in any other action movies.... "Good Luck" say it in any language you want. Plus never has a poster tagline been more apt, "It ends here". The franchise.. Neeson's career, Forest Whittaker's credibility.. It all ended right there.

The 6th Day (2000) Roger Spottiswoode


Arnie, once the juggernaught of the action world in the 80's. The 90's started to slow down for him and the box offices started to dry up. This one I went to see at the cinema in 2000 (Man that was a really dark time for movies, oh wait Gladiator came out then too. The yin and yang) with my friends and I still remember walking out to see a long line of people eagerly waiting for the next showing.

If my face didn't relay to them they should get out now while they still could my comment did. Quoting the line from the movie where Arnie shouts, "I want my life back" I quipped, "I want my money back" (in Arnie accent). Those people in the queue were angry but not as angry as they were two hours later when they too realised they had been had. I would rather have watched this entire movie with Arnie replaced by his Simpsons counterpart Rainier Wolfcastle.

The Happening - (2008) M Night Shyamalan


Oh how the might fall... M Night Shamalana ding dong was once the darling of the movie twist bloing our tiny little minds with The Sixth Sense back in 99'. But he took a quick slip n slide past mediocrity with Unbreakable and Signs (which I alone actually quite liked) and went head first to awful, awful filmmaking. The Village (damn you) and then The Happening which was so bad I have heard so many stories of people walking out mid cinema visit - a rare feat to achieve.

The Happening was the final straw for me and in my opinion the end of this director's credibility. A plot so thin that the final reveal actually angers you, Plants and Trees are killing people.... Why? What did we do to deserve being subjected to this kind of third rate storytelling? You were better than this M Night. You were once good!! Even Mark Wahlberg famously said he hated the movie and he was the lead!

"I don't want to tell you what movie... alright "The Happening". F--- it. It is what it is. F----ing trees, man. The Plants. F---- it. You can't blame me for not wanting to try to play a science teacher. At least I wasn't playing a cop or a crook."

If you happened to be one of many that were tricked into seeing the Smith family movie, After Earth, you will have only realised after the film ended that M Night Shyamalan acutally directed this too. Stange as his name wasn't mentioned once in any of the marketing buzz or trailers... How low is your career when your own name is as toxic as one of your plot twists.. At least with The Happening we didn't see the plants and trees coming... I have no such excuse for entering the cinema so many times for his movies!

Jupiter Ascending (2015) The Wachowskis


The Wachowskis have had such a similar career path to M Night it is only right that they both grace the same list. We all loved The Matrix which quite simply changed cinema forever and this too came out in 1999 along with The Sixth Sense.

Since The Matrix they have been on a steady slope of decline as directors. The Matrix sequels ruined what could have been one of the top 20 movies for many years to come. V for Vendetta had very mixed reviews even though parts of it showed briliance. Speed Racer I think is one of the most underated sports films going though I do not know who it was supposed to be made for. They use kids cartoon style graphics and PG 13 dialogue alongside a very cool family dynamic and impressive race sequences. Cloud Atlas won as many fans as it did critics for its winding and layered storylines.

Fast forward 16 years and we have a film that can only be descrbied as a 1980s sci-fi throwback. Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne has such a poor script to work from that his performance is arguably the most horrible part of this film and that is a big shout as there are so many terrible in this one movie. Mila Kunis is a briliant actress, I love her in most things, here she is relegated to the rags to unwilling intergalacic queen who falls for Channing Tatum's half-man half-dog character - just awful! It makes me wonder beyond the Sense8 TV series what is next for this team, but we will always have Neo....

Honourable Mentions

Batman & Robin (1997) Joel Schumacher

Two words. Bat nipples. That is all I have to say about that.

Jack & Jill (2011) Dennis Dugan

When one annoying Adam Sandler character isn't enough he creates another one and in female form no less!

Sharknado (2013) Anthony C. Ferrante

This has more publicity than an actual global blockbuster but when you have a this title the poster says it all. "Enough Said!"

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